I have never liked the end of things. I get melancholy on the last day of the baseball season, when I finish a good book, even the end of a school year. The ultimate ending, besides death, of course, is New Year's Eve.
I remember as far back as being a kid that I really hated New Year's Eve. It seemed like a very anti-climatic "holiday" to wrap up the Christmas season. Perhaps I am a glass is half empty kind of guy when it comes to New Year's Eve. To me it was more of a time to look back than it was a time to look forward.
And what about that stupid song "Auld Lang Syne". The translation is :" times gone by". I think my hatred of New Year's Eve started with that song. "Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind...." seemed very sad to me. No, I don't want to forget old acquaintances. I want to remember. I want to reflect. My perception has always been that people were so disappointed by the mistakes of the past that they looked to the new year as a way to make their world and life better...and they rarely did. Those who forget the past tend to repeat it.
In high school there was the pressure if you were going to get invited to a New Year's Eve party. If so, would someone want to kiss me at midnight? No one did. Then when I got into college it was another excuse for many to over-indulge and make fools of themselves. I have never been a drinker so that aspect has been lost on me too.
It was easier after I married and had kids. Ribeyes on the grill became a tradition or Lasagna. But still as we watched the ball drop I had this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. And there was that darn song playing as we watched freezing people in Times Square kissing. What for most is a moment of celebration has mostly been a moment of sadness for me. The thought of old acquaintances running through my head.
After I divorced New Year's Eve was even stranger, sadder. When I started seeing someone the pressure was on to come up with just the right place and way to bring in the new year. A glass of champagne and a lady to kiss made things a little easier. But still there was that underlying disdain for the whole "holiday".
Then in my compartmentalized mind there was the record keeping...the last time I had done something or seen someone. Then, the goals of doing things again so that I wouldn't get shutout during that calendar year. And then, the stupid resolutions. Lose weight, exercise more, read my Bible more, read more in general, cuss less, hold my tongue, speak my mind, anger slower, etc. So much pressure!
I can say that I have had only about 5 great New Year's Eves. The best ones are when you are with the people or the person you love; but I have never been able to escape the emptiness in my belly whenever I hear "Auld Lang Syne".
It is approaching midnight...this will be either my last blog of the year or my first of the next. I made a conscience effort to be alone tonight. There will be no Auld Lang Syne. Old acquaintances have not been forgotten. Many have been brought to mind. Tomorrow will be just another day and I hope that a year from now I will be reflecting again. I hope to reflect on: love lost and won...friendships gained...deeper relationship and walk with Christ..forgiving and being forgiven....laughing more than crying...life more than death.
This past year has been one of great discovery for me. I have come out on the other side of a valley that I began in last year. Perhaps this will be the year that I will look forward more than looking back.
Ten minutes till 2013...I better push "send".
Happy New Year to those who I remember and those I still have in my life and to those who I have yet to meet. Time DOES go by!
Thanks for reading!
Jeff
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